The Conversation
by RGoodfellow64
Summary: Kate tells Rick she heard what he said when she was shot.  Now, months later, the floodgates open and she finally talks to Rick. Chapter 5, Like the Ocean. Rick tells his secret, and the conclusion to the story.
1. Chapter 1

The Conversation

Chapter 1, A one way song

by RGoodfellow64

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Disclaimer: Castle and the characters on Castle are owned by Andrew Marlow, and the suits at ABC/Disney. Although Mickey Mouse and I have been buds for over 40 years, I still don't receive any money from my stories…despite the many e-mails Mickey's sent me saying how much he likes my writing.

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He nodded his head and said, "I thought so."

She'd been staring at her feet, afraid of what she'd see or hear, but when he said that her eyes flew up to meet his. "You did?" she asked.

His face held a somber expression but there was no pain there. No hurt. No anger. His eyes still held that openness they had before she started to speak. The honest emotion was still there, but there was a seriousness in them now.

"I knew the minute you looked up at me in the hospital. When Josh kissed your head your reaction wasn't that of a girlfriend. Your body language said you didn't want him there, and you didn't want him kissing you. So yeah, I knew the moment your eyes met mine."

"But you never…"

"No, I didn't, because the ball was in your court, if I'm allowed an overused metaphor."

"I really didn't know what to say then. I was so happy to see you, and know you were alright." She shook her head slightly and said, "They told me you were ok, but I needed to _know_, I needed to see for myself and when I did, there was so much inside that wanted to come out but I just didn't know where to start."

He sighed and said, "So you ran."

"Yes. Yes I did. It's not something I will ever be at peace with because I hurt you so badly when I did that."

She searched his eyes for any sign of the hurt, of the pain she caused last summer and saw that there was still some there. She put her hand out and lightly caressed his cheek, "I never wanted to hurt you and I never, ever want to again, but…"

"But we can never make that promise Kate. I can never promise you that something I do or say won't ever hurt you, and you can't promise that to me either."

"I know Rick." At his look of surprise she smiled and said, "What, I can't call you Rick?"

He shook his head and smiled back saying, "It's just that every time you said my name you were pretty upset with me."

"Used to be. In my mind you've been Rick since Roy's funeral, and even more after I was shot."

Remembered pain and sorrow showed in his eyes as he said, "Kate…"

She put two fingers on his lips and said, "Shhh. I know, but we really need to talk. You were right that night when you said we never talk about important things. You were so very right and I was angry that you knew me so well, knew that I was scared and afraid to let myself go…afraid to let you in."

She stopped speaking and took his hand, leading him to the couch. As he sat down, he saw a few dog hairs, Golden Retriever, and said, "Royal?"

She smiled as she sat and said, "I couldn't let you be the only good parent now, could I?"

He smiled and turned to her, giving his full attention.

Taking a deep breath she said, "That was the most amazing kiss I ever had Rick. I know it started as a ruse but never in my life did a kiss affect me like yours did."

She expected a smug smile but he kept his face neutral, letting her continue.

"When you kissed me I knew, I knew that you felt far more for me than you let on. When I thanked you as I wrapped your hand after you hit Lockwood, and you answered 'Always', it brought up a whole gamut of emotions in me. My heart soared and it also sank as I realized I was trapped in myself."

At his quizzical look she said, "I'm not a cheater but right then I wished I'd never met Josh, yet that made me feel guilty since I was seeing him and I felt that I was cheating on him, so I never mentioned the kiss, even though I thought about it every day."

She looked down and seeing his hand on the couch, reached out and held it as she continued, "I tried to tell you I loved you in the freezer, I knew that if we were going to die I had to let you know how much you meant to me."

"But then…"

"Yeah, I ran again. Josh stayed and I felt horrible, not that he stayed, but because of my mixed up emotions. He stayed for me and honestly part of me wished he didn't. But he did and he was there and when you pointed him out to me I ran. I said it meant we had a chance when actually I didn't want that chance, at least not with him."

Without realizing it Rick's thumb was moving in circles, caressing the top of her hand as it did when he was showing her what Royal liked being done to him. Inside part of her giggled thinking that this one action worked on dogs and her, and she spent almost a full minute in silence, just enjoying the feelings it was giving her.

She looked back up to his eyes and saw the warmth in them, saw the love for her he had been holding back, and even though that look still had the ability to frighten her, her want to see it all the time outweighed her fear of losing it someday.

"After the bomb, I knew you were going to ask me to dinner, and you should know that if you asked I would have said yes. Even though I said Josh's staying meant more than it did, I was willing to let him go if it meant I would be with you."

She looked deep into his eyes knowing her next words would sadden him, "But then he showed up and you walked away. I watched every step you took till you entered the elevator, and I so wished I was in there with you."

"But you put your arms around him; you were holding him, hugging him."

"I know. I wish I didn't do it, but I did. Like a reflex it just happened and probably because although most of me wanted to be with you right then, part of me was afraid."

"Afraid?"

Her voice lowered and he could barely hear her as she looked down at their joined hands and said, "I was afraid that I'd lose myself in you. That the person I'd spent years becoming after my mom died, would disappear…and I didn't know who I could be without that."

Keeping one hand on hers, he used his other and placed his index finger under her chin and raised her face to his. "You are so much more than Detective Beckett, Kate. So much more."

She smiled at him and when his thumb caressed her lips she lightly kissed it. She took his hand and held it near her mouth, then kissed his fingers one more time before lowering them on the couch, near their other, interlocked hands. With both hands holding his she continued, "When I was told my ticket had been upgraded to first class I knew it was you, but you have no idea how wonderful it was to walk up there and see you sitting in the seat next to mine."

As he smiled at the memory she said, "I wanted you to be there so badly, and when you lifted your glass of champagne it also lifted a weight I didn't know I was carrying."

She squeezed his hands and with deeper emotion said, "You were the only reason why I didn't pull the trigger, why I didn't cross over the line from justice to vengeance. If you hadn't been there Rick, if you hadn't been the anchor I desperately needed, I wouldn't be here now."

"Kate…"

Shaking her head she said, "No Rick. I would have pulled that trigger. What stopped me was the memory of the night before, sitting on the couch and forgetting that I was dating Josh, because Rick, I came back out the door. I wanted what I saw in your eyes when we talked, I wanted it always in my life, but when I walked out my door, you were closing yours." She smiled and said, "You didn't even realize that you kept me from being a cheater, and although part of me was disappointed you weren't there when I opened my door, there was that part that appreciated it. Appreciated you not pushing, allowing me to come to you without the guilt of being a cheater, because Rick, right then I knew that Josh would be history. I wanted you, and wanted to be with you, not him, not anyone else."

She saw the emotion in his eyes, the memory of that trip and the feelings it brought back.

"Royce wrote me a note that Lanie found in his pocket. In it he told me that what you and I have is special and that I shouldn't let it go. I shouldn't live my life thinking 'if only', and wish I'd taken that step with you."

He took a hand from hers and brought it up to her face, caressing her cheek and she leaned her head into his hand. "I started to take that step when I told you I was a 'one writer girl', and when I took you to see Forbidden Planet for what was probably your hundredth time."

"How did you know?"

Smiling Kate said, "Oh Rick, I've known you for how long? You called me your 'work wife' once, and with all the time we've spent together, at work and out, I knew you'd seen it before." She smiled and said, "A geek fanatic like you never having seen Forbidden Planet? Come on."

He gave an embarrassed smile and said, "I was wondering how to ask you if you'd like to see it and then you suddenly asked me." He grinned and added, "Unless there's an emergency with Alexis I could never refuse you anything."

She turned her head and kissed his hand still pressed to her cheek and said, "I know. I feel the same."

At his look she said, "Remember before you bought the Old Haunt? You called me in the middle of the night and I left an upset boyfriend who hadn't seen me in over a week to immediately come to you."

He took his hand from her face and hit himself in the forehead. "Of course! Now I remember. And you were still in the early stages of dating him, weren't you?"

She smiled and said, "Yeah. I should have known he was a dead end if I'd dump him in a second and rush on over to you."

He just smiled at her and she took a deep breath to continue but changed her mind and asked if he'd like a glass of wine.

"Only if you want one, otherwise I'm fine," he answered. 

Thinking of what she still needed to tell him Kate said, "I want one. I'll get one for you too," then got up from the couch.

Making her way to the kitchen she pulled down two glasses and filled them with a chilled red wine. Picking up the two glasses she walked back to the couch, hoping he will understand what she still needed to say.

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**AUTHORS NOTE: Well this one came out of the blue and it was a surprise when it just came out. As stated before in another story, I don't like cliffhangers and so I tried to end this chapter without one…or at least without a blatant one, so chapter 2 should hopefully not be too long in arriving.**

**Don't worry, I'm still working on Chapter 23 of IFP, but this and another story are running around in my head and clamoring to come out, and if I want to get some sleep tonight I figured I'd better quite them down. **


	2. Chapter 2

The Conversation

Chapter 2, Time and dreams away

by RGoodfellow64

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Disclaimer: Still no money coming my way for my stories, not that I expect any from AM, ABC or Disney, after all, they're the ones that own Castle, not me.

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Kate handed Rick the glass of wine and they both took a sip. His eyes still on her, she found herself taking a second one before she turned to him and said, "This isn't easy for me to do. I've held back and hidden myself and my feelings for so many years; I just hope I say it right."

She looked into his eyes but he didn't say a word, just took another sip and watched her, waiting for her to continue, because he knew there was much, much more to be said.

Looking down at her glass Kate said, "Once a week I went to see Lockwood. Once a week I sat in front of a stone. He never said a word, he just sat down in front of me and watched. Watched my every move, watched the way I walked, and he listened. He heard every word and never responded once. But I knew in time he would break. I felt myself willing it to happen. And then he was placed in the general population and killed McCallister."

She looked at Rick but there was no change of expression on his face, he simply waited for her to continue. She put her glass to her lips and swallowed the rest of her wine, then took a deep breath and continued saying, "I knew he'd have to be re-sentenced for that. I talked to Captain…to Roy and told him I wanted, no, that I _needed_ to be there when it happened. I figured this was a chance to get him to talk to me outside the jail, where it really could be private. I hoped it would cause the man who hired him to make a mistake."

"I remember you told me in the car on the way to the arraignment."

"Remember in the courtroom when I walked up to talk to him?"

"Yeah."

"I told him his boss couldn't hide from me and he told me I had it backwards, that I couldn't hide from him."

Kate saw a brief…something, come over Rick's face as he shifted himself on her couch, trying to make himself more comfortable. "And then there were the flash grenades," he said.

"I was so scared Rick. I wanted him so badly but the first thing I had to do was to protect you. I couldn't let anything happen to you, if it did…" she paused and swallowed, looking at her empty glass.

"I fell back into the hole. I went back inside so far that I couldn't see the light any more. I couldn't see anything other than my desire for revenge, my need to bring Lockwood back since he was the only link I had to finding the man who ordered my mother's murder."

"I know."

"No, Rick, not you don't, not really. As bad as it was this time, it was so much better than it had been before."

"Before?"

"Before you Rick. Before you it was so much worse. Royce saw that my obsession was going to destroy me and brought it to Roy, who gave me the ultimatum to have therapy." She shook her head and said, "It was really bad Rick, _I_ was really bad."

"From where I was standing Kate, it was pretty bad. Ryan and Esposito didn't know what to do, you contradicted yourself, mumbled…God Kate it was frightening to watch!"

"I can only imagine, because I only wanted one thing, Lockwood. I knew, I just knew that we overlooked something. Some tiny, inconsequential thing that would tell us where he was. I just knew it was there somewhere and that I would find it."

"You scared everyone Kate, your team, me and even Roy. You were spiraling so fast no one could catch you."

"I know. I knew it then. When you came to my apartment that night I knew what you were there for, that's why I was so short with you when I asked if you couldn't have simply phoned me the information. Part of me desperately wanted you there and part wanted you out. Away. Far away. Away from any danger, away from the case and away…and away from me."

"I had to do something Kate. I didn't want to lose you, I couldn't lose you, yet I was watching you slip away with every minute that passed."

"I know Rick, I knew it then, but it was as if I craved the emotions it brought up. I knew it was bad, I knew that I was falling into the old pattern but I didn't care. No, that's not entirely true, part of me did care, did want to stop, pull back, calm myself down. But I didn't listen to that part."

Rick took another sip of his wine, but she noticed he'd hardly made a dent in it. "Not to your liking?"

"Never really chilled red wine before, what is it?"

"It's just a sweet red, something light to relax with."

"From your empty glass I see you like it."

"More like needed it."

"Ok."

"When you told me to stop, when you said 'walk away', part of me wanted so badly to do that, but mostly I was shocked that you'd say it."

"Why? Is it so hard to believe I didn't want you to die?"

"No, I expected to hear something like that from my dad, not from you."

"He wanted to Kate, but he knew you wouldn't listen."

"What do you mean Rick?"

"He stopped at the loft and asked me to talk to you, to get you to stop. He said I was the only person you'd listen to. He turned out to be wrong."

Shaking her head Kate said, "No, Rick, he wasn't wrong. But the one thing that would have made me stop and think, you didn't say."

"What I didn't say?"

She put her head down and was about to speak when she stopped and raised her head to look him in the eye. He deserved that, he deserved to have her look at him when she said it. "You asked me how it would affect the people who love me, you mentioned my dad and then you mentioned Josh, then I asked…"

"What about you Rick," he quoted.

"Yeah. I needed to hear from you, about you, for you and for us. I'm not blind Rick, I saw how you looked at me when you thought I wasn't aware. I know you have more research than you will ever need if you wrote fifty Nikki Heat books."

He kept his eyes locked on hers as she said, "When you told me you were my friend, my partner, I tried once more to get you to admit it. To tell me that you included yourself when you spoke of people who loved me. But you threw it back at me and boy did you read me right. I said you don't know me but you do, you really, really do."

"It all just came out," he said, "the kiss, the freezer…God, Kate, monumental things happen to us and we just go on our merry way as if nothing happened, and it frustrated the hell out of me."

"You know me too well. Although more and more I wanted to be with you, it was never the right time. I had to break things off with Josh and in the weeks after we were in LA, I only saw him once for a quick bite at the hospital and then he got called away. I just wanted to end it and everything kept me from doing it, and then Lockwood escaped and I spiraled out of control."

"When you told me we were over I had nothing else to say, well I really had a lot to say but it would only have made things worse, so I left before I said anything that I couldn't take back. But Kate, I was angry, hurt and scared. I had no idea what would happen, I only knew it would be bad."

"The next day I went in to see Roy and told him I wanted you gone."

"You did?"

"I said I was over it and I wanted you out. I was so upset Rick, and when he simply said 'done', I was shocked. I asked him what about the Mayor and he said that he ran the 12th and he could have kicked you out years ago but he knew you were good for me."

"He knew I was good for you? How was I good for you?"

"He told me I'd never had fun before you came along, he basically told me I needed you."

"He did?"

"Yeah. When I told him you said we couldn't win he agreed, he said all we could do was make a stand, and then he told me that if this was my stand he'd be right there with me."

She had to stop, the words stuck in her throat and tears started to fill her eyes as she remembered that time in his office. Because she understood that he knew he was going to die, he knew he wouldn't last the day. He knew he'd die to save Kate, since she refused to let anyone else help her live, and he was ok with that.

Rick watched the emotions flow across her face and he said, "He called me to be there that night. He said that no one could help you but me. You wouldn't listen to anyone else. He said…" Rick paused and swallowed and Kate stared at him, willing him to continue.

"He said that you needed me more than you knew, and that I was the only one to save you. He'd do his part but it was up to me to keep you safe."

Tears fell silently from her eyes as she watched him struggle with the memory. "I had a choice that night Kate. When Roy called I had a bad feeling of something going wrong, of no one getting out alive…of _you_ not getting out alive."

Unconsciously Rick was playing with the glass of wine, slowly turning it counter-clockwise in his hands. He looked down at it briefly and stopped what he was doing. When he looked up his eyes were clear and full of purpose. "I love Alexis and I love my mother," he said, "but just like with the bomb Kate, I chose to be with you. I didn't expect any of us to come out of there alive."

It dawned on Kate what a sacrifice this man has made for her. What he sacrifices daily just to be with her, and she felt so unworthy of those sacrifices, so unworthy of him.

"After Roy died I thought about all that happened, all the hurt and pain I felt since my mother was murdered, and the only light I saw in that bleakness was you, Rick."

Tears were still flowing silently from her eyes as she spoke, she couldn't hold them back even if she wanted to. "I couldn't pretend any more, I couldn't hide any more. At Roy's funeral when I said, 'if you're lucky you find someone to stand with you', I was talking about you. I turned and looked at you when I said it, Rick. I wanted you to know that I knew you were there for me and I needed to let you know I'd be there for you."

She paused as she let that sink in and softly said, "And then I was shot."

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**AUTHORS NOTE: Now you can't call this a cliffhanger since we all know what happened at the end of season 3, and if you don't and you're just finding out now for the first time, I'm really, really sorry to ruin the end of the season for you, but come on, you know they're not going to kill her off, she's the star for crying out loud.**

**I am flabbergasted at the number of alerts I've received for this story. Holy cheese and crackers! All I can say is thank you and that you folks are a really great ego boost. I mean it. **

**I think there'll be another two chapters after this, after all, it's not like these two have much to talk about, is there? ;-p**


	3. Chapter 3

The Conversation

Chapter 3, Hurts inside

By RGoodfellow64

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Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine. Nope, still no money so hopefully no one will sue me for using copyrighted characters. Keep in mind Disney, I'm a stockholder!

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Rick heard the words, spoken so matter of factly, as if it happened all the time. 'Then I was shot.' He couldn't handle it as if it were nothing. It was almost the end of the world for him and she said it like it was nothing.

"And then you were shot," he said back to her. "And now you tell me you heard me call you, you saw me try to reach you and you heard me tell you to stay, and that I loved you. That pretty much cover it?"

She expected that. The moment the words left her mouth, she anticipated his anger, and so she fell back on her training and tried to calm him down. "Rick…"

The anger in his eyes seemed to grow, and she was surprised at the intensity of his voice when he spoke. "I saw the light go out of your eyes Kate. I thought I saw you die in my arms. We got you to the hospital; you know that Lanie was on the gurney with you from the cemetery to the hospital and almost to the operating room? Did you know she pressed down on the wound to keep the blood from pouring out? To keep you from dying?"

Kate tried again to say something, to break the cycle of his words, words that tore at her very being. "Yes, Rick, I…"

"When she got off we both stood there in shock. We had blood all over us Kate. _Your_ blood was all over us." He voice cracked as he said, "I almost didn't wash my hands for fear you'd die and I'd lose the very last thing I had of you."

"Oh Rick…"

"We were there waiting. Ryan and Esposito came back without luck in finding your shooter and we waited. After a while, Josh came out, walked through everybody and slammed into me. Your dad had to break up what was turning into a fight between your boyfriend and all your family and friends."

"Lanie told me. God Rick I so wished I just called him to break things off, to let him know it was you I wan…"

"Me? Me Kate?" he said interrupting her. "After the operation, they kept you in a coma for the next three days. Ryan, Esposito and I worked at least 20 hours a day trying to find leads, anything to get the scum that shot you. I was exhausted, hardly slept, hardly ate, we all were. We just worked and worked trying to get this guy, and then your dad called."

Rick stopped talking for a moment and gathered his thoughts. His breathing calmed down and he said, "He was by your side every minute of those three days Kate. They put in a reclining chair for him and he was with you 24/7. Occasionally I'd stop by with Lanie, Esposito, Ryan or just by myself and Jim was always there. When you opened your eyes he called me right away, telling me to get there quickly to see you, then he said quietly, 'And finally the hot shot boyfriend shows up', before he disconnected the call. I went home and showered, cleaned myself up and came to see you. God I was so nervous that I even checked my hair before I opened the door, as if I was fifteen years old! When I did there you were sitting up in bed with Josh right by your side."

"I didn't want him there Rick, but he saved my life, I couldn't break up with him then, I owed him too much."

"No Kate, he almost killed you. Dr. Kovaks saved your life after Josh missed the fact that your blood was compressing your heart. That's why your dad wasn't thrilled to see him."

"What?"

"Check with your dad. So you tell me now that you wanted to be with me, that you wanted to be there for me like I was there for you, yet the first thing you did when I came in was lie to me about not remembering. Then you accused me of being the reason Roy was dead, that somehow if you stayed in the hanger with him everything would be alright."

"Rick…"

"And finally you told me you were tired, insinuating that I should leave, after less than five minutes! Then when I said we'll talk tomorrow you asked if it was ok we didn't, that you needed a little bit of time, that's a quote by the way Kate, a little bit of time."

Kate couldn't break her eyes away from his, that's how hypnotic they were, and for the first time he allowed her to see all the pain and hurt that she put him through.

"I asked how much time and you said you'd call me. Sounds a lot like a breakup line doesn't it?" He gave a pretend chuckle and said, "How many times I used that line myself, never meaning to call. It's funny how you never think it will happen to you, especially not from someone who…well, from your partner."

Kate saw the pain in his eyes. There was no hiding it any more, she could see the anger he still held but now, it was pain, terrible, horrible pain that he was showing her.

"I went back to the precinct and worked with the boys till Gates came, kicked me out and stopped the investigation. Esposito managed to get all the files we had and copy them for me so they wouldn't mysteriously disappear like so many others have. And every day I waited for your call, but it never came."

"Oh Rick, I'm so…"

"I had a choice, I could wallow in misery and start drinking, or I could write. I decided to write and I re-wrote about two thirds of Heat Rises, with my cell phone by my side, Kate, waiting for your call, but the days came and went and no Beckett. No call. No nothing."

The sarcasm in his voice felt more like knives when he said, "I figured you were still alive since no one called to invite me to the funeral, and you didn't marry motorcycle boy as no one called with condolences; but I didn't know anything else, not a damned thing!"

Kate kept watching his eyes and noticed when the pain started changing over to anger again. Tears were flowing from her eyes but she couldn't look away. She wished she'd never, ever said and done this to him. All he ever did was love her and she repaid that with hurt and lies.

"After a while I figured it _was_ goodbye that you said to me in the hospital, and that you just were too angry with me for trying to save you; that as always, you knew better and decided to move on without me. I asked Ryan, Esposito and Lanie but they never heard from you either, so I accepted reality Kate, I got the hint and tried to move on."

She was shaking her head and mouthing the word 'no', but nothing came out as he continued, letting out all the hurt and frustration he'd been carrying for so long.

"I got back to being Richard Castle, author. I made appearances and plugged the new book but I put my foot down on parties. Just didn't feel like it any more, and I had lost all taste for twinkies, fried or otherwise."

He gave her a melancholy smile and said, "You know Kate, if that's the way you tell guys you want to be with how much they mean to you, then I'm not sure I want to be one. To just get up and leave? I really want to know Kate, how you can sit here and tell me how much you wanted to be with me when you walked away for three months of silence. Putting me through hell. How?"

Kate tried to compose herself but the tears would not stop and made it harder to speak. She had to let him know where her mind was then, she had to let him know she wasn't that person any more. Hearing him say he wasn't sure he wanted to be with her, was like the bullet hitting her all over again.

"After I woke up, Rick I was so confused. I was in a lot of pain, physically and emotionally. I had no idea Josh created a scene in the waiting room, I had no idea of any of that, I was told he worked on me and saved my life so I believed it."

"Ok, and when I came to visit?"

"I was torn. I kept seeing Roy, dead on the ground every time I closed my eyes. And I felt you carry me away. I was confused Rick, please believe me that I didn't know what I wanted or needed other than I had to get away and think things through. I remembered all that you did, all that you said, and couldn't handle it right then."

"So you threw me out with the trash and ran away."

"No!"

"No? What else can you call it Kate? You discarded me like yesterday's garbage. You totally dismissed me from your life, you knew I'd never call you till you had the time you needed, but you took the whole summer!"

"I needed that time Rick. I needed that time to heal, to think, to figure out my life. I was confused, hurt and frightened, and I didn't know if you really meant what you said or only said it thinking it's the last thing you'd ever say to me."

He shook his head in disbelief while she paused a moment, then added, "I needed to get away from everyone Rick, not just you but everyone. I needed the time to think and heal before I could bring you into my life."

"That's funny. You mention thinking about us, wanting to be with me, but I don't hear any we's here Kate, I don't hear anything done for us, but there is a whole lot of I, me and my in your words. Did you ever stop to think that I was already in your life?"

He shook his head and with resentment in his eyes and voice said, "This wasn't about being with me Kate, this wasn't about us. This was all about you, your needs, your wants, your feelings, your fears. You didn't know how to handle someone really caring, someone who truly loves you and you did what you always do, you ignored it, you hid, but this time you couldn't hide in the job, you had to physically run away from everyone."

She shook her head no but he bored on, "I doubt there was a single time in all those months that you actually thought about me, about how I might be hurting, about where I was, about how worried I'd be not hearing from you. Because if you did Kate, you'd have picked up the phone."

"I thought about you all the time Rick, and I did pick up the phone. I picked it up dozens of times a day to call you, but the longer I was gone the harder it was to do, so I never did."

"Why was it so hard Kate? All you had to do was press a button and I would have answered. I kept that phone with me at all times, it was always on and I was never without it…right up to the time you walked into the bookstore."

"Rick, I know now that what I did then was all about me, about what I wanted, what I needed, but I want it to be about _us_, I want that so much that I'm still seeing Dr. Burke for therapy and he's helping me a lot."

He didn't say a word, she thought she heard a grunt as if he were agreeing, but she wasn't sure. His eyes were now on his glass of wine and he was as still as a statue.

"What I told you on the swings is true Rick, I didn't come right out and say it was about you, but it was. These past weeks have been about me tearing down walls, learning to be me again, trying…" She paused for a moment till he raised his eyes to look at her. "Trying to be the person you deserve. Because you deserve so much more than a broken me Rick. You deserve a person who's in it completely, 100% and I haven't been able to do that, I haven't _wanted_ to do that, not until you."

She could see he was starting to calm down, the torrent of words and emotions draining some of the anger and hurt from him. She had to get him to understand she wanted to be with him and only him. She _had_ to make him understand.

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**AUTHORS NOTE: Ok, honestly, I have no idea where this chapter came from. Really. If you could see my notes, you'd see I had something else planned entirely. Muses, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. ;-)**

**Now I also want to send you all a huge THANK YOU for all the alerts and reviews. My mailbox keeps filling up and I get a real sense of accomplishment when I see my story has touched people from so many other countries. Thank you again.**


	4. Chapter 4

The Conversation

Chapter 4, Softly love

by RGoodfellow64

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Disclaimer: Castle is owned by Andrew Marlow and ABC. I have no connection other than stock, DVD's, books and love for the show.

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"Do you know why I decided to tell you everything Rick? Why I suddenly opened up and let out things I've hardly admitted to myself, let alone tell anyone?"

They were looking into each other's eyes and Kate realized that this was different from what she was used to with him. They were looking at each other now whereas before she started talking they were gazing at each other.

She realized she missed that gaze, that look he always gave her that let her know how much he cared. He'd been sharing that with her for so long and she never realized how much it meant to her till now. Now that it was no longer there.

The look wasn't so much angry any more, there was still some hurt, but the anger seemed to have burned itself out, as if he needed to release what had been festering inside him. She felt ashamed at what she'd put them through, put _him_ through. If she'd only felt more confident in herself, they would have been together almost a year now. Instead he was thinking he didn't feel he could even be with her and she knew she would never survive his leaving. There would still be a Detective Beckett but it would no longer be her, it would be an empty husk of what used to be a person.

He dropped his eyes to the glass of wine and suddenly lifted it to his lips and drank it down in one gulp. After swallowing he said, "No, I don't."

"I've been afraid, afraid for so long that I was in love with you." As she said this, she looked at his face for any indication of his thoughts, of his feelings. She couldn't fall back on Detective Beckett here, he knew all her police training, and he deserved more than that. This was Kate speaking, fearing, dreading and more than anything, hoping. So she was searching for any sign that he felt the same, or wanted to feel the same, or even if he no longer felt the same. His face was stoic, his eyes withholding, showed no emotion of any kind, but let her know he was listening.

"I did it because you deserve to know. Because I need you to know, and because we can't go forward if the past holds us back…holds me back. And Rick, I really, really want to go forward now. I've wanted that for a long time, and I've been terrified of it as well."

She thought she saw a flash of that hurt again, when he asked, "I terrify you? Or the thought of being with me terrifies you?"

"What? No! God, no Rick. What's terrified me for a while now is the knowledge that I just not only want you in my life, I _need_ you in my life." Her eyes lowered but then she brought them up again to look him into his eyes, "I desperately need you in my life, and it frightens me. Sometimes it terrifies me that I can lose myself so much in you, that I can lose control of the situation and my emotions whenever you're near me, whenever you're even around."

His eyes looked a bit softer now as she continued, "Rick, when I woke up next to you, I smiled. It was so like the dreams I've had, so like the fantasy's I've thought of what life would and could be like with you. For a few seconds I didn't know or care about the handcuffs. I was lying next to you, sleeping next to you and it felt like the most natural thing in the world."

She looked at him intensely to see if there was any more change in his expression, but he only nodded his head slowly, telling her to continue.

"Since we started working again, every case over these past few months has been screaming at me, telling me that what I am looking at is an extension of what is happening in our lives. That's _our_ lives Rick, not mine, not yours, _ours_."

She smiled at him and said, "Officer Hastings and Paul Whittaker. Remember what you said about them?"

"A writer and his muse, just like us," he replied.

"The look on your face when they kissed, Rick it was priceless…but you were also 100% correct. They were just like us."

She saw a slight smile in his face and continued, "Recall when Cynthia Hamilton killed herself in her cell? I said that's what all great love stories are about, beating the odds. I believe that Rick, I still do." She paused a moment and added softly, "Because I still believe in us."

He looked down at his empty glass and quietly sighed. When he looked up at her again his face was softer.

"When I saw you kiss Serena Kaye my first thought was he's _mine_, and I really wanted to say that when I shouted out."

She saw the slight grin on his face and his eyes started to show that sparkle she loved to see, so she went on, saying, "At the end of the case when you were getting coffee I told her that you never thought she was guilty. She asked me why I told her that and I said I wanted her to know what kind of a man you are."

"Why?"

Kate looked down at her own empty glass and said in a small voice, "Because if she was who you wanted then I wasn't going to stand in the way of your happiness. And she needed to know what a good man you are, and how lucky she was to have you."

She looked up at him through her eyelashes and saw he had a thoughtful look on his face when he said, "You left after I returned with the coffees and she said something odd. Now I know what she meant."

"What?" Kate asked.

"When she put her jacket on she said she was going back to her hotel and she would ask me to come with her but…" he paused here a moment and then continued, "She said I don't steal things that belong to someone else, and then she left. I always wondered what that was about."

Kate lifted her head and smiled at him, "I was surprised Rick; well, surprised and thrilled and so happy to see you still there, alone, when I returned."

Rick smiled as he remembered and said, "Yeah. Good burger."

Kate smiled, watching him carefully, grateful that he was listening to her but even more, so very glad that she was getting through to him. She felt gratitude for Dr. Burke for helping her to see that she wouldn't lose anything by giving of herself to Rick, in fact she could gain far more than she would give. She felt that in her heart and didn't realize she was showing it through her eyes.

But Rick did. He understood the truth of eyes being windows to the soul, and in her eyes, he saw her love for him. He saw her open and vulnerable and totally trusting, and he couldn't help but be affected by that, but what she said next shocked him.

"I have never been so scared in my life, not even being shot scared me so much as when you were locked in that bank with those thieves." Her heart started beating faster as she realized that even thinking about it brought back those fears of never seeing him again. She took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds and said, "They had me in the command trailer talking to the people holding you. Actually Trapper John demanded it be me who spoke to them."

Kate had to stop for a few moments to collect herself. Rick could see that just the memory of that day affected her greatly, and he patiently waited until she continued.

"When Trapper John told me he was going to kill you I snapped. There was no way in hell he'd take you from me and live, and I promised him that if he hurt you I would go in that bank and put a bullet in his head."

Rick was listening to her, not just to her words, but to her body. Her body language told him what she was saying was the truth as she knew it. That she threatened to shoot someone who hurt him was a shock. Kate Beckett was truth and justice all the way, but there was something in her eyes and the way her body tensed that said otherwise.

"Kate…"

"I meant it Rick. At the thought of losing you I didn't care for my job, my life, anything. All I cared about was you, and if he shot you he would never have made it out alive."

The intensity in her voice surprised him. He knew she cared for him, how could he not, the way she'd been acting since they teamed up again in the fall, and now, finally opening up to him. But this was something else, this was something primal, almost primitive in her reaction. This reminded him of his own feelings when he was searching for her shooter this past summer. An almost animalistic rage against someone who would hurt a member of his family, someone he loved.

He was hit with an epiphany then, for in his mind Kate was a member of his family for quite a while now. His desire for vengeance this past summer evolved from his anger toward that person who shot her, who hurt someone belonging to him…and he was seeing that same feeling through Kate's words and actions.

"Kate…" he stopped for a moment and tried again, "Kate, I…" but he couldn't continue. So many conflicting emotions were going though him at the same time, and for one of the few times in his life he was at a loss for words.

Feeling bolder, Kate put her hand on his knee. "Rick, I'm serious when I say that I love you, that I want to be with you and that I can't even consider my life without you in it any more. There have been screw-ups before in our relationship, and yes, that _is_ what we have Rick, a relationship. That's what we've been in for a long time now, probably before my apartment blew up. I just didn't have the strength to face it before."

She kept her eyes on his so she was pleasantly startled when he put his hand on hers. "This thing between us Rick, I know I act like I don't know it's there, but I do, and I know that it's powerful."

His hand lightly squeezed hers as she said, "I know how strong it is Rick, it's an attraction I never believed existed before and no matter how much I tried to run away, it always drew me back…back to you. I don't want to try to fight it any more Rick, I don't want to run away ever again. I don't want to hurt you like I did or be hurt like I was."

Still looking him in the eyes she softly said, "I only want to be with you Rick, no one else, nowhere else. Just you, and I mean that always."

Kate was watching his eyes when she suddenly realized he wasn't looking at her any more. No, he was gazing at her again. Her heart soared to see his eyes caressing her that way, because in her mind, she was his and he was hers, they were together and she felt would always be. She silently made herself a vow that no matter what happens in their life together, that the only other look she wanted to see in his eyes was that desire she briefly saw just before he kissed her. And when she kissed him back there was hardly any blue to his eyes, that's how full of passion they were. She definitely would never get tired of seeing that in his eyes either. The hurt and the anger? She would do anything she can to never see those emotions again in his eyes.

Rick was gazing deeply into her eyes and all he saw there was love; an almost unconditional love that he always dreamed of but never truly expected her to send in his direction. The anger was gone, there was still some hurt, but that happens to any couple. He understood they had become so close to each other that they were a couple, and it's easy to hurt the other, unintentionally or otherwise.

For the first time in a long time, his heart felt complete. There was no Demming, there was no Gina and there was no Josh any more. There was just Rick and Kate and that is what he had wanted for so long, it almost felt unreal to be happening now, but it was.

He rubbed his hand on hers, took a deep breath and said, "I've felt the same for a long time Kate. I've known for a while now that all I want in my life is the magic of extraordinary, and that has always been you. I wanted so badly to tell you that I loved you when we argued in your apartment, but I never wanted to put you in a position where you had to choose between me or Josh. I didn't want to put you through that and…" his voice lowered and she could barely hear him as he added, "I figured you'd pick him."

She put her empty wineglass on the floor and moved next to him on the couch till their bodies were touching, then put her hand up to his face, caressed his cheek then ran her hand through his hair…God how long she had wanted to do that again!

"Rick, don't ever doubt this for a second, never, because when it comes to you, everyone else is in second place. _Everyone_!"

He smiled and said, "Really?"

Her hand still in his hair she smiled and said, "Distant second."

Her hand pulled his head near to hers, and when their foreheads touched she whispered, "Rick, I was so afraid that when I told you I heard what you said when I was shot, that I could lose you."

"Kate…"

"Shhh," she whispered, "Losing you would be so much worse than even losing my mother was, I don't think I could ever survive that, but I couldn't deceive you any more. After our first case back, when you helped talk me through my fears while looking at the gun Mitch Yancy was pointing at me, you told me I had this and I did. But if it wasn't for you being there Rick, having my back, it wouldn't have turned out as clean as it did."

"You always had it in you Kate; you just lost it for a while."

"Yeah, I did. Just like with my shooter, but you pulled me back from falling into that hole again."

Her fingers were still in his hair as he moved his arm from the couch and put his hand on hers. Pulling his head back, he looked deep into her eyes and said, "About that. I have something to tell you too."

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**AUTHORS NOTE: Some people have beta readers, and some don't, but I am the luckiest of the lucky since I have my lovely bride who reads these first. If you think my writing is bad…whew…you should read it before she tells me what's wrong. Actually it's best that you don't, some of you have a good opinion of me based on my writing and I wouldn't want to lose that. ;-)**

**For a person who hates cliffhangers, I seem to be doing a pretty good job with them. But the good news, or at least it is if you like this story, is that there is more to be written. Hmmm, then maybe I should end this note and get back to writing chapter 5, eh? (and no, I'm not from Canada) ;-p**


	5. Chapter 5

The Conversation

Chapter 5, Like the Ocean

by RGoodfellow64

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Disclaimer: As seems to always be the case with me, I don't own the show Castle, the characters or the intellectual property. I appreciate that I'm allowed to play in their playground now and then.

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Rick completely pulled away from Kate and got up from the couch, picking up both glasses and walked to the kitchen. "Do you want another glass of wine?" he asked as he picked up the bottle she'd left there.

"No, thank you Rick. I'm fine."

She watched as he put her glass in the sink and poured himself another half glass. Looking at it briefly, he downed it in one gulp and put his own glass in the sink with hers. He then took another half-minute to fill them with water before turning back to her. "Would you like me to put the bottle back in the fridge?" he asked.

Now she was starting to worry. What did he have to tell her that required him to take all this time to prepare? He said he had something to tell her…too. She knew Rick was a master of words and never spoke what he didn't mean. What did he need to tell her that required him to stall like this?

She patted the couch where he was just sitting and said, "No, I want you to come back here and talk to me."

As he made his way to the couch she said, "It can't be worse than what I had to say, Rick. Sit here and tell me."

He sat down next to her and waited a moment before he said, "A few days after we started working together, actually that same night after we interviewed Halstead at the fire house, I received a phone call from a friend of Roy's."

Kate felt her stomach sink when she heard Roy's name. "Who was he?"

"He told me his name was Smith and he had received information from Roy. Something Roy sent him before he was shot."

"What did he receive?"

"I don't know." At her surprised look he said, "Honestly Kate, all he did was call to tell me that he had certain information from Roy, and that for the time being you were safe."

"Safe?" she asked, afraid of what his answer would be.

"Yeah, safe. Evidently he knows who the dragon is and whatever Roy sent him was able to stop the hit on you."

"Who is he? Who's the dragon?"

There was something desperate showing in her eyes and he said, "Kate…"

"Castle, I _need_ to know!" she interrupted him. "Who killed my mother?"

He brushed his hand through his hair and asked, "Is this a good time to remind you about spiraling down the rabbit hole?"

"Castle!"

He knew her heart was racing as he watched the pulse in her neck beating wildly. He sighed, stood up and said resignedly, "I guess it's time to leave. Will I see you tomorrow or will it be another three months Kate? Maybe six months? Or is it never?"

He started to turn away when she grabbed his hand. "Rick? Please don't go."

He shook his head but didn't move any further. "Is this what it's going to be like Kate? All I did was tell you I received a phone call and you're ready to run, with no idea where, with no idea what to do and without a care how dangerous it is. Just like last spring you're ready to run right into the jaws of this dragon."

Still holding onto his hand, she forced herself to calm down, taking slow, deep breaths. Part of her was dying to hold him there and force him to tell her the name of the dragon, and part of her was horrified at her words and actions.

She told Dr. Burke that she felt ready to move on from her mother's murder and here she was starting right down that destructive path again, pushing Rick away only minutes after telling him she never wanted to do that again.

Her horrified self won and she quietly said, "Rick, please sit down. Tell me what you need to say in your own way, in your own time."

He stood still, unsure what to do. Her hand was still in his, lightly holding him, it would be nothing to simply let her go, but her eyes alone held him in place, as she again did what he never expected of her, begged. "Please? Rick, please sit down?"

He looked in her eyes for another moment and seeing sincerity, hope, anguish and love, he sat back down on the couch, a bit surprised that she still hadn't let go of his hand. "He told me to call him Smith when I asked him who he was, and he refused to tell me who the dragon is."

Kate lowered her head but kept her hand on Rick's as he said, "Smith told me the dragon is so powerful that we couldn't even begin to hurt him before he had us removed."

Kate was still looking down when something he said caught her attention, "Us?"

He looked her in the eyes and softly said, "Yes Kate, us." He held her eyes with his till she gave a slight nod of acknowledgement. They didn't need big explanations or exclamations to get their message across to each other. A raised eyebrow or slight smile usually sufficed for them.

Seeing her nod he continued, "The smart-board in my office can be programmed to hold more than one storyline. Right now it has two, a Nikki Heat story, and your mother's."

"Wait a minute. You told me to stop, to walk away, but you're still working on my mother's case?"

"It's not that simple Kate, but yes…"

"You were angry at me for not telling you something simple like I heard what you said after I was shot, and yet you're holding this back from me?"

"Simple? Lying is simple?"

"Castle…"

"No Kate, we've already been there, you want to go back?"

She looked at him with hurt in her eyes and said, "You lied to me."

There was a stern quality to his voice as well as conviction when he said, "Tell me when you asked me if I was working on the case and said no. Tell me when you asked me any question about my working on your shooting, and I lied, saying I wasn't. Can you?"

"That's semantics Rick and you know it! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you'd grab the little information I have, then run off into the sights of a sniper and die. There is no way he will let you live if you do that Kate. No way at all."

"You don't know that…"

"But I do Kate. The only thing that's keeping you alive now is that you are not looking into the case. You're being watched Kate, you're being watched…but I'm not."

She looked at him with a blank expression, not having caught up to what he said as she was furiously thinking what she could have done with any additional information. Then his words caught up to her, she stopped thinking about catching the dragon, she understood was he was saying and looked at him in shock. She didn't know what to say. He was putting himself in the crosshairs to keep her safe? What about Alexis? What about his mother? What about _her_? God, if something happened to him…

Rick was still speaking as she finally listened again. "…he said as long as you didn't investigate, you were safe, so I took all the information we had and put it on my board, adding a little here and there as I could without making any waves."

She thought for a moment and asked, "There's more, isn't there?"

"Yes."

"But you aren't going to tell me now." This was a statement, not a question.

"That's correct," he said. "I won't lie to you Kate, but I also won't hide the fact that there is more…it's just that I don't know what it is myself."

"Huh?"

"Kate, this Mr. Smith person calls me out of the blue, I had a number for him but that's no longer in service. I don't know who he is, or where he is, although I expect he's here in NY, and I have no idea what he knows. Whatever it is it's enough to keep you alive."

She thought about her conversation with Dr. Burke, how she said she was ready to move on. He said she couldn't let her mother down as she was gone, but Kate knew she could let herself down. What she's been doing has not just been hurting Rick, it's been hurting herself as well, probably more.

Her thoughts stopped suddenly and she realized that Dr. Burke was wrong, she _could_ let her mother down. She simply needed to continue her life the way she's lived it since her mother was murdered, hiding herself from the world. Hiding her emotions and never allowing anyone to know her, to see her, to pity her and more than anything, never letting anyone love her…not the way she wants to be loved. The way she needs to be loved, the way that Rick loves her, open, honest, endless.

She realized that was the love Richard Castle has for her, endless, immense, like the ocean. She remembered standing on the beach at dawn in South Carolina with her mother when she was a girl. As far as she could see to her left and right were huge expanses of empty beach, and an overwhelming sense of the immensity of the ocean. As far as she could see, there was the sky and the ocean, going on forever…and that was Rick's love for her.

He told her he chose to be with her. He chose Kate Beckett over anyone and everything else. She had always felt that she didn't deserve that kind of love, that kind of devotion, yet how could she ever be angry at a man who's love for her is so complete, so unselfish, so unconditional; and really, was she truly angry with him for what he did or upset that he hadn't included her in his research?

As she watched him, she bit her lower lip. He said that together they would get the dragon, find justice for her mother, but right now, right here, all she wanted and needed was sitting on the couch next to her.

She focused her eyes again on his and saw the worry there. It had been a few minutes since she said anything and she could almost see all the theories running wild in his head on why she hasn't.

"Stop."

He couldn't believe what he heard and asked, "Kate?"

"I want you to stop."

"But you need to know, you need this closure…"

"Yes I do, but I need you more."

"But if he calls…?"

"We worry about it then," she said, interrupting him.

"We? Oh no Kate, I'm not showing it to you. I don't want to go through that again."

"I'm not asking you to. What I'm asking is that you stop looking. Something coming to you is one thing, to search it out is another, and that can get you killed," she paused and said in a small voice, "And that would be something I would never survive Rick, never."

He was going to say something but she put her finger to his lips and he stopped. "Dr. Burke told me I can't let my mother down when she's dead, but he's wrong. Not only can I let her down, I have been letting her down."

She paused a moment and said, "Rick, you told me that you chose to be with me that night at the hanger, and when we went after the bomb, well I'm doing the same."

He kept his blue eyes solidly on hers as she took a breath and said, "I'm making _my_ choice here Rick, and I'm choosing you."

She watched as his eyes widened and before he could say anything she moved closer and kissed him lightly. When she pulled back she said, "You said it yourself. We can get the dragon, but just not right now. However long it takes or if it doesn't take at all, I want you with me. I want to be with you. I want to love you with all that I have, not just all I want to give, and I can't do that if you aren't here."

She watched his face as what she said sank in and said, "Stop looking. Stop searching. We won't stop working on the case Rick, but we have time…and I want that time to be with you. I so much want that Rick."

He reached over and with his arm around her shoulder pulled her closer to him till she found herself sitting on his lap.

"Kate, you've had me from the moment I turned around and saw you at the Storm Fall party. I have no intention of ever letting you go." Then he put his lips down to hers and kissed her, pouring all his love into it, letting her know that he was there to stay.

She didn't know what to expect when she started this conversation, but what she hoped would happen, did. He loved her, and through this talk, she now realized how completely she loved him. How much comfort there was in his arm around her, and it reminded her of the Bible verse her grandmother had on the mantle next to her wedding photo.

Proverbs 13:12, 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.' That was what she wanted with Rick, that was what she knew was possible with Rick, and that was what she knew they could have, together.

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**AUTHORS NOTE: I hope this last chapter of The Conversation lived up to the precious chapters and your expectations. Several people have asked me why she would even be talking to him like this, opening up and all. Well, we've all been wishing they do this, haven't we? It's my universe and my rules so they talked…honestly and openly. I think Rick felt good getting that off his chest, and it helped Kate realize just where here heart truly lies. **

**Lastly thank you so much to everyone who took the time to review or leave me messages on FF or the 12th. Your words are appreciated. Thank you all very, very much. RG**


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